


Sins of the Past

by StarGazerGamer



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Forgiveness, Sins of the Past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-28 23:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12617864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarGazerGamer/pseuds/StarGazerGamer
Summary: Surana visits Cullen post-Trespasser.  She shoulders the burdens of past mistakes, as he does.  Can these two come together and forgive themselves for their past sins.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cricket_aria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cricket_aria/gifts).



> There's some of my personal HCs about cures for the Calling. I've kept it as vague as possible but it's still hinted at here.

The Mabari let out a warning bark as Cullen knelt in the grass beside it. The giant dog had just given birth to puppies and was a bit over protective. Cullen looked up to see the visitor and who he saw stole his breath. That was a face he hadn’t seen in over twelve years, one that hat haunted his nightmares at certain points. He’d been afraid to even think of her name for fear the nightmares would return. He studied her face. It had aged in the twelve years since they’d seen each other last. The night Uldred had taken over the circle. There were lines around her eyes and those eyes that had once twinkled with amusement at flirting with him were muted from her experiences.

“Cullen?” That voice was still the same as it was years ago. It still had the same effect on him. The words rolled over him like it was her hand that touched him. The Mabari growled low in her throat until the Warden knelt and held out her hand. “What a beautiful creature you are. I don’t mean your master any harm.” The smile on her lips was warm and sent tingles down his back. His hands itched to reach out but he hesitated. There would be no reason Surana would come find him again, no reason to seek him out. He wondered how she found him. The last he heard she was on a search for the cure so she would not succumb to the Calling.

His fierce Mabari sniffed at the Warden’s fingers and rolled onto her back in happiness, expecting a belly rub. Surana laughed, deep and full, before giving in to the pitiful look. “There’s a girl.” She murmured and looked up from the dog to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry for coming here so suddenly. I know it’s a shock.” Surana straightened and stepped over to him as he rose from his crouch. He still towered over her but she was larger than life. She always had been, even as an apprentice mage.

“It’s a surprise. I don’t know exactly what to say right now.” He ran a hand over the back of his neck and waved towards the cabin. “We can speak inside. I can’t promise the food is the best.” She chuckled and nodded.

“It’s fine.” She followed him inside and pulled off the heavy cloak. Her armor sparkled in the firelight. Flashes of silver and the griffin emblazoned on the front glinted in the dim light in the cabin.

“Are you still with the Wardens?” Cullen asked as he set down the food on the table. Surana took a seat, wincing a bit at some hidden pain. It tugged at his heart to see her in any kind of pain, he knew the sacrifices she’d made to be a warden.

“No.” That answer shocked him. “Well, officially I am still counted among their number. Unofficially? No, no I couldn’t stay with them after all the secrets and lies.” Surana sighed and clasped her hands over the mug. “I’m surprised you didn’t ask me why I didn’t help the Inquisition.” He glanced away sheepishly but nodded.

“I understood your need to find a cure. None of us questioned it.”

“Oh, I am sure you did. I wouldn’t blame you, I _don’t_ blame you.” Surana sipped at the tea and sighed as the warmth spread through her.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” He saw the shadows dance over her eyes and cursed inwardly at his question.

“I did. I found what I wanted. Not sure if I can accept the price I had to pay for it.” Surana looked down at the cup and forgot the screams and the deal with the devil she made. She came back to visit because she needed to close all the ties in her past. Cullen had always been the one she regretted not finishing. She’d always liked him and found him more approachable than the other templars. What had happened to him… It had cut at her more than most would know. She felt guilty for not seeing Uldred’s treachery before. There were whispers in the barracks but she’d paid them no heed, and the templars had paid the price. The other mages had as well, but Surana carried their blood on her hands for years.

“So, you no longer have the taint?” Cullen sat across from her and she shook her head. She had been freed of her taint but her soul had been marked in exchange.

“No. The taint is gone from my body. I will never suffer the Calling as my brethren do.” Surana still thought of the Grey Wardens are brethren, she couldn’t help it. That they no longer thought the same of her didn’t bother her as much as it used to.

“Do you need to talk about it?” Surana shook her head. Cullen paused in the act of pouring his water and set the pot down. “Then, may I ask why you came to visit me?” Cullen kept his gaze steady on the top of her head as she studied the tea in her cup.

“I felt guilt.” Surana took a deep breath. “Guilt for not checking up on you and the others after the battle of Denerim.”

“Guilt? Surana, you.” Cullen ran a hand through his hair as he tried to gather up the words. “You had so much riding on your shoulders. _No one_ blamed you for what happened.”

“I was a part of that circle for my whole life Cullen! My _whole life_! It was the only home I knew! I abandoned it after becoming Warden-Commander!” Surana cried out as she tightened her grip on the mug. She knew she just couldn’t handle seeing the circle again, not after everything that had happened. She couldn’t step foot in the halls where the abominations had killed her friends. It hurt knowing that the ones left behind had to suffer what she couldn’t stomach and that was where the problem lay.

“You couldn’t come back to face what happened. I know. I understand.” Cullen reached out and touched her hand. “No one blamed you Surana. You saved us all from the Blight. I wasn’t there in Denerim, but I saw the aftermath.” Cullen shuddered at the memories. Surana had gone through that, and Maker knows what other monstrosities before the battle with the Archdemon. His own experience was traumatic, but he’d found a balance in his life. He’d never stop having the nightmares but he’d finally stopped blaming himself for that night. Cullen had also sworn to do better by mages, he’d helped the Inquisitor defeat Corypheus. The Inquisitor had been a mage, and Cullen liked to count them among his friends now. That old blind hatred for any mage had dimmed and he began to see the other side.

His own actions made him sick, but there was little he could do to change the past. While serving with the Inquisition, he began to atone for his past mistakes. While he would always have a knee jerk reaction to seeing mages, he had enough presence of mind to realize not all mages were evil. The mage in front of him was one of the few positive experiences in his life.

Surana felt her eyes burning at the comforting words. Her hand came up to her face as the tears flowed from her eyes. There were few people who could understand what she’d gone through. The words stuck in her throat as she struggled to keep her composure. She didn’t need forgiveness, war changed everything. She just needed to know he wasn’t angry with her, he was the one she regretted the most of all. He was the one who made her see that not all templars were evil and hated mages. She’d heard tales about what happened in Kirkwall and Surana knew it was because of Uldred, and her, that his heart had hardened so much against mages. She didn’t agree with Meredith but she’d been unable to help Kirkwall.

She wiped her eyes and looked up at Cullen. The understanding in his eyes threatened to break her newly gotten composure. She took a drink of her tea and sighed. Maybe it was time to talk, Cullen was one who could understand. Even Alistair didn’t truly understand what she’d gone through. The darkness that rode her back and sunk its claws into her soul.

“I think I am ready to talk about it.” Surana smiled weakly as she waited for his nod of confirmation. The story spilled out of her and it was brutal. Cullen was patient and let her talk at her own pace without judgment. Maker knows he had his own sins.


	2. Chapter 2

Surana looked up at the sky knowing deep in her bones that there would be a storm later. The three months she’d spent at the sanctuary had been wonderful in soothing the cracks to her soul. She still carried the guilt but she’d come to accept that it would always be there. The visit to the Circle a month after arriving at Cullen’s had done so much to help ease her mind. She’d seen the progress that had been made and saw how Alistair kept his promise of making sure the mages were well taken care of. It had been Cullen’s first time back at the circle as well, and he’d faced his own demons that night. They’d faced them together, relying on the other for support.

Since that night, Cullen had kept a certain distance from her. He still spoke with her and joked, but he didn’t share anything personal anymore. It was as if seeing the circle had shut him down and closed him off from her. The ache in her heart had been sharp but Surana resolved to let him go at his own pace. For the first time in twelve years she was at peace, no one asked anything of her except for basic chores. Those she’s done in the circle and had learned how to cook on the road or starve. Surana didn’t mind cooking for the templars there. She stiffened as she heard footsteps approaching and forced herself to relax. There were no enemies here, and her hand unclenched from the fist it had made.

“It looks like rain.” That warm voice wrapped around her like velvet. She closed her eyes to savor the feeling and opened them to stare at the storm clouds in the distance. The depth of her feelings for Cullen had surprised her, but she’d taken them in stride. Surana had figured that the years would have dampened, if not erased, whatever she’d felt for the young templar. The heart was fickle that way, but hers had remained steadfast in its devotion. She wasn’t sure as to his feelings for her, he did keep himself closely guarded. It reminded her of an animal that had been burned before and she wondered who had hurt him.

Instead she had taken to doing little things around the cabin he had to himself to show her feelings. She’d learned which way he preferred to take his tea and coffee, and which one he’d prefer after a strenuous day or night. Surana had whipped up a poultice, she’d thanked Velanna in her mind when she remembered it, for easing muscle cramps and fatigue. The templars had all been grateful for it, especially when she informed them it wasn’t magical in nature. She discovered he wasn’t too keen on heavily seasoned food, so Surana kept the food light. Just enough seasoning for taste.

Domesticity suited her far better than she’d ever thought. Surana hadn’t realized how much war had been wrapped up in her identity until she didn’t have any battle to fight. Helping out at the templar sanctuary had given her a purpose that curing the Calling had taken from her. Her soul had grown weary of travel and was happy to have a home, that it wasn’t her home never occurred to her.

The templars had grudgingly accepted her. Their reception had warmed tremendously when it was discovered she was a decent cook and the Hero of Ferelden. Surana made sure to practice her magic off the grounds. The first time she’d done that Cullen had been frantic with worry. It had warmed her heart to see the concern in his eyes when she’d returned after extensive training. One of the older templars lectured her on battlefield etiquette, much to Surana’s amusement, and she listened patiently to him as she fixed the man’s shirt.

“It will. It will be a nasty storm.” Surana murmured as she tucked the herbs into the basket and straightened from her crouch. The templars and Cullen secured the cabins against the storm that would rage about for a few hours. She sat on the front porch as the storm clouds rolled in. The smell of the rain was intoxicating and the primal nature of the storm called to her magic. Lightning flickered over her palm and she clenched her fist. She missed weathering a storm out in the open, letting the rain wash over her face as if washing away all her sins. She heaved a sigh and went inside as the first crack of thunder shook the windows.

“You were right about the viciousness of it.” Cullen commented as Surana set the kettle on the table for some calming chamomile tea. A whimper by her foot drew her attention to the puppy shivering next to her boot. Her eyes warmed in sympathy as she scooped up the three-month-old pup. This one would always follow her around the house, and she suspected he’d already imprinted on her. She cooed to the pup as she stroked its back, letting it snuggle against her lap as the thunder roared outside.

Surana sipped her tea as they lapsed into silence. She looked up and saw Cullen rubbing the back of his neck and she tilted her head to the side. “Is everything all right Cullen?” He glanced at her with something akin to guilt in his eyes.

“We need to talk.” Dread twisted hot and tight in her chest at his words. Nothing good ever followed those words, in her experience at least. The pup snorted and she fought a hysterical chuckle. She was sure Cullen would tell her she’d overstayed her welcome and it was time for her to go.

“All right. Let me put this little one with his mother.” Surana told him as she scooped the puppy against her chest and rose. It gave her a moment to gather her composure and accept the rejection with some semblance of grace. She’d rage and let loose later at losing the only bit of peace she’d had in twelve years. A flash of the Deep Roads flashed through her mind and she ruthlessly squashed it. Those memories had no place here now. She gently placed the snoozing pup next to his mother, who nuzzled her hand gently. “Good girl.” Surana murmured as she scratched behind the dog’s ears. She straightened and took a fortifying breath to calm her racing heart. She’d faced down a bloody _Archdemon_ , but she was terrified by a few simple words.

“What did you need to talk to me about Cullen?” Surana asked calmly as she gripped the back of her chair. She kept her head held high and faced the music.

“I wanted to apologize.” He glanced at the fire and missed the stunned surprise on her face. This was not what she had expected at all.

“Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I retreated after visiting the circle. It was harder than imagined it would be, seeing it again. A lot of unpleasant memories resurfaced.” Her face softened in sympathy as she took a step towards him. “It also reminded me of how I used to feel about you.” She paused and her breath froze in her throat at his words. Used to. That was past tense.

He ran an impatient hand through his hair as he struggled to get the words right. “I care for you.” He met her eyes and she sucked in a breath. She took careful steps towards him until her boots brushed his. She searched his face as she lifted a hand up. Her fingers trailed over his cheek until her palm slid against it. She smiled at him, trembling just a bit. Her feelings threatened to choke her as she tried to get them out.

“I care about you too Cullen.” The shock rolled across his face at her words. His fingers circled her wrist and tugged. Surana squeaked as she was thrown off balance. His lips descended as his other arm wrapped around her waist. A sigh parted her lips and she moaned as his tongue dipped inside to slide against hers. He tasted of chamomile tea and a darker taste that was all him. Surana sank into him as her hand slid up his chest and grasped at his shirt for balance. He eased back and she mourned the contact. He rested his forehead against hers and rasped out a laugh.

“I didn’t dare hope you returned my feelings.” Surana brushed her thumb across his cheek and leaned into him. He felt the same as she did, it would be amusing if they hadn’t wasted two whole months already.

“I felt the same. I couldn’t believe I still loved you after all these years.” She smiled as she felt his lips brush against her forehead. Surana leaned her cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat as the storm raged outside. For now, it was just the two of them in the quiet cabin in Ferelden. Anything else could come later and they’d face it together. The sins of their past would weigh on them, but they didn’t dictate how the future would go. Only they could.


End file.
